It's true; I really do love wine and food from Italy,
France, Germany, and other countries as well. And who among
us can reject a bargain? But I also hate wine and many
aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten
reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles
discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack
of knowledge, and no wine cellar. Now I am looking at one
of my favorite, should I say unfavorite reasons: I can't
get the ... bottle opened. Actually this is the most
dangerous reason. A sliced finger is no fun. And you can't
get true rose wine by adding blood to any white wine. I
have to confess that I am a bit of a klutz. Actually they
once held a contest for klutziness and I was eliminated in
the qualifying round. The judges muttered something under
their breath. I think I heard "Unfair competition" and
"Give the others a chance".
I am the proud owner of a faux silver-plated sommelier's
(wine steward's) bottle opener. Actually, I had two of
these marvelous contraptions, but was lucky enough to
misplace one of them. But this dagnabbed contraption just
doesn't work; at least not for me. I have come THIS close
to slicing my fingers off, where the word THIS stands for a
quarter of a millimeter, or more realistically the size of
the dot on this i. So I use a non-professional wine bottle
opener that gouges a hole in the cork almost the size of my
neighbor's swimming pool. I've actually grown to appreciate
a bit of cork in the wine. It gives that "Je ne sais quoi"
taste. Don't even think about getting me to open a
Champagne bottle. Our lodgings walls host permanent
reminders of each and every one of our Champagne-toasted
events. I am waiting for the day that Champagne comes in a
drink box.
Would you believe it, sometime after writing the first
draft of this article I managed to break my beautiful
little sommelier's bottle opener? However, as luck would
have it the bottle didn't break. I found an alternate
method to open the bottle and savor the wine. (And a little
cork.)
Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored
shortly: The insomnia, Food problems, Wine snobs, Those
smells and those tastes, Those colors, Home brew, One more
problem and yes, The Solution.
----------------------------------------------------
Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on
computers and the Internet, but between you and me, he
prefers drinking fine German or other wine, accompanied by
the right foods and the right people. He teaches classes in
computers at an Ontario French-language community college.
Check out his global wine website is
http://www.theworldwidewine.com with a new weekly column
reviewing $10 wines.
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